BIRDS IN THE BEARD (published in CA News, December 2004) There was an Old Man with a beard, Who said, 'It is just as I feared! Two Owls and a Hen, Four Larks and a Wren, Have all built their nests in my beard!' CAPRICIOUS CAPERS published in CA News There was an Old Person of Ischia, Whose conduct grew friskier and friskier; He danced hornpipes and jigs, And ate thousands of figs, That lively Old Person of Ischia. DEFLATED published in CA News, said at Horatian Society There was an Old Man in a boat, Who said ‘I’m afloat! I’m afloat!’ When they said ‘No! you ain’t!’ He was ready to faint, That unhappy Old Man in a boat. TERRA FIRMA published in CA News There was a Young Lady of Portugal, Whose ideas were excessively nautical: She climbed up a tree, to examine the sea, But declared she would never leave Portugal. SHOE SHOCK Said at Horatian Society dinner There was an Old Man of the Wrekin Whose shoes made a horrible creaking; But they said ‘Tell us whether Your shoes are of leather, Or of what, you Old Man of the Wrekin?’ NONCHALANT There was a Young lady of Norway Who sat herself down in a doorway. When the door squashed her flat, She exclaimed ‘What of that?’ This courageous Young lady of Norway. TOO LONG BY HALF There was an old man of Coblenz, The length of whose legs was immense ; He went with one prance, from Turkey to France, That surprising old man of Coblenz. EASTERN PROMISE There was a young lady of Tyre, Who swept the loud chords of a lyre ; At the sound of each sweep, she enraptured the deep, And enchanted the city of Tyre. UNHEEDED There was an Old Man who said, "Well! Will nobody answer this bell? I have pulled day and night, till my hair has grown white, But nobody answers this bell!" DIRGE OF A SHREW There was an old person of Tartary Who divided his jugular artery. But he screeched to his wife, and she said »Oh, my life! Your death will be felt by all Tartary. » VULCAN’S STITHY published in CA News There was an Old Person of Gretna, Who rushed down the crater of Etna; When they said, ‘Is it hot?’ he replied, ‘No, it’s not!’ That mendacious Old Person of Gretna. ATHLETE’S FEAT There was a Young Girl of Majorca, Whose Aunt was a very fast walker; She walked seventy miles, and leaped fifteen stiles, Which astonished that Girl of Majorca. STRICT REGIMEN published in CA News There was an Old Person of Sparta Who had twenty-five sons and one daughter; He fed them on snails, and weighed them in scales, That wonderful person of Sparta. MAD COW There was an Old Man of Aôsta, Who possessed a large Cow, but he lost her; But they said, 'Don't you see, she has rushed up a tree? You invidious Old Man of Aôsta HONG KONG There was an old man of Hong Kong Who never did anything wrong. He lay on his back With his head in a sack, That innocuous old man of Hong Kong. DOOM WITH A VIEW There was an Old Person of Florence, Who held mutton chops in abhorrence; He purchased a Bustard, and fried ihm in Mustard, Which choked that Old Person of Florence, DISCOMBOBULATED CA News and Horatian Society There was an Old Person of Diss, Who said, ‘It is this! It is this!’ When they said, ‘What?’ or ‘Which?’ – He jumped into a ditch, Which absorbed that Old Person of Diss.

* barbatus hospes nidificantium: ‘fit quod timebam! strix, trochilus, canens gallina cum bubone, alaudae quattuor, inseruere nidos.’ * lasciviores Inarimae, senex, misces choreas; innumerabiles mandis, Pithecusæe, ficus; fersque pedem numeris marinis. * ‘heus, nonne no? no! nat mea trabs,’ ait vir lintre vectus; praetereuntium cui turba: ‘tu non nas.’ recessit deficiens miserandum in alveum. * non Lusitanae mente cadunt maris naves; ut aequor spectet, in arborem conscendit. inde effata: ‘nunquam te, Tage, teque, Duri, relinquam.’ * raucis cothurnis improbe Cornovi, crepide crocis. ‘ num corio crepis? quonamve?’ sic horrent canoras carbatinas Viroconienses. * Septentrionum nubilis incola incauta portae sedit in ostio. elisa, ‘quidnam tum?’ vigore clamat Hyperboreos feroci. * immensa saltans ex Asia gradu imponit uno crura Parisiis, quem Rhenus eduxit Mosella compare sesquipedaliorem. * Phoenissa chordas raucisonas lyrae cum nympha magnis verreret ictibus, immane delectabat aequor et Tyriam recreabat urbem. * ‘longum sonanti num quis adest seni? canescit, inquam, caesaries mihi: pernoxque tinnitu vocavi perque diem: neque oboedit ullus.’ * qui Chersonesi se iugulaverat dat soricinas gutture nenias. cui sponsa: ‘vexabuntur omnes morte tua, mea vita, Tauri.’ * ex Hadriani moenibus advena cratera in Aetnae desilit irruens. ‘ardetne?’ ‘nequaquam.’ fefellit Scoticus Empedocles Sicanos. * tu dena vadis milia septies, ter quinque sepes tu superevolas, matertera, admiranda nepti: quin Baliaris hians stupescit. * o pasta proles fotaque cochleis! examinasti tu, pater, unicam post quinque vigintique natos, mire Lacon, trutina puellam. * Praetorianus possidet haud levem perditque vaccam. ‘nonne vides?’ ait vicinus, ‘ascendit comantes, invidiose, oneratque ramos.’ * urbs, a Britannis reddita Seribus! vir, purus omnis criminis improbi, velavit in sacco supinus innocuum caput, et recumbit. * non Arniensem lanigeri caro delectat agni. comparat otidem, quae fricta cum flavo sinapi fauce premit perimitque Tuscum. * Icenus, annis nempe senilibus marcens, ‘id hoc est’, inquit, ‘et hoc id est’. cum ‘quid? quod?’ aut ‘quod? quid?’ rogarent, desilit excipiturque fossa.

Live thy Life, Young and old, Like yon oak, Bright in spring, Living gold; Summer-rich Then; and then Autumn-changed Soberer-hued Gold again. All his leaves Fall'n at length, Look, he stands, Trunk and bough Naked strength.

vive prout quercus iuvenisque senexque propinqua: aurea uti quercus tu quoque vere nite, aestiva locuples, autumna fronde minori, aurea tranquillo rite colore novo. denique nudata est foliis, en robore rami stant nudo, nudo robore truncus item.

Valle locus Clausa toto mihi nullus in orbe     gratior aut studiis aptior ora meis. Valle puer Clausa fueram, iuvenemque reversum     fovit in aprico vallis amena sinu. Valle vir in Clausa meliores dulciter annos     exegi et vitae candida fila meae. Valle senex Clausa supremum ducere tempus     et Clausa cupio, te duce, Valle mori.

No place in all the world is dearer to me or worthier of my affection than the Closed Valley. As a boy I had been in the Closed Valley, and when I returned as a youth, the lovely valley nurtured me in its ripe bosom. As a man I eked out my better years and the white threads of my life, with sweetness, in the Closed Valley. As an old man I desire to pass my last days in the Closed Valley; and in the Closed Valley, in your service, to die.

Impia iamdudum condemno silentia, quod te, o patria, insignem Baccho fluviisque virisque, moribus ingeniisque hominum procerumque senatu, non inter primas memorem, quasi conscius urbis exiguae inmeritas dubitem contingere laudes. non pudor hinc nobis; nec enim mihi barbara Rheni ora nec arctoo domus est glacialis in Haemo: BURDIGALA est natale solum; dementia caeli mitis ubi et riguae larga indulgentia terrae, ver longum brumaeque novo cum sole tepentes aestifluique amnes, quorum iuga vitea subter fervent aequoreos imitata fluenta meatus, …

You, my homeland, left till last? That unseemliness is past! Souls, wines, rivers, famous all, Wit and wisdom, City Hall... Well aware that you are small, Did I fear to overpraise? Being small is no disgrace! Not the cold barbarian Rhine, Not the arctic peaks of Thrace, No such glacial home is mine: Bordeaux is my native place. Temperate the skies and mild, Fertile lands that early smiled, Winters warmed in newborn sun, Springs full-blown, where rivers run Like the seas with foaming tides, Vineyards clinging to their sides...

Aequam memento rebus in arduis servare mentem, non secus in bonis     ab insolenti temperatam     laetitia, moriture Delli, seu maestus omni tempore vixeris               seu te in remoto gramine per dies     festos reclinatum bearis     interiore nota Falerni. Quo pinus ingens albaque populus umbram hospitalem consociare amant                    ramis? Quid obliquo laborat     lympha fugax trepidare rivo? Huc vina et unguenta et nimium brevis flores amoenae ferre iube rosae,     dum res et aetas et Sororum     fila trium patiuntur atra. Cedes coemptis saltibus et domo villaque, flavus quam Tiberis lavit,     cedes, et exstructis in altum     divitiis potietur heres.    Divesne prisco natus ab Inacho nil interest an pauper et infima     de gente sub divo moreris,     victima nil miserantis Orci; omnes eodem cogimur, omnium                versatur urna serius ocius     sors exitura et nos in aeternum     exilium impositura cumbae.

Remember, keep a level mind when things get steep; and in the good times equally tone down your overweening joy: Dooley, you’re bound to die, whether you’ve been a lifelong glum, or, sprawled through merry days on grass remote, you’ve blessed your guts with glass of Mouton from the adytum. Do a pale poplar and a pine give welcome shade, in love combine their branches? Does the fleeting water (nymph, lymph, serpentine)* shudder and strain, where slant walls thwart her? Send out for wines, for oils, perfumes, and roses’ neverlasting blooms! Defy decay! Forestall mischance! No Norns with yarns! Act fast! Advance!   Write off your hoarded hills, your mansion, your glebe with Tiber’s rolled gold sands on. Your stack of wonga’s true possessor is your successor. A plutocrat with pedigree: Blood-Sacrifice! or you could be a destitute, obscure rough sleeper… Slaughtered! Served up to Lord Grim Reaper. One way! We’re forced, coerced, for sooner or l- ater, our fate’s a well-urned funeral that’s sure to dump us down the river. Ferried out! Banned for ever.

O Venus regina Cnidi Paphique, sperne dilectam Cypron et vocantis ture te multo Glycerae decoram     transfer in aedem. Fervidus tecum puer et solutis Gratiae zonis properentque Nymphae et parum comis sine te Iuventas     Mercuriusque.

O Venus, you who reign in Paphos and in Cnidus, treat your beloved Cyprus     with disdain: here’s incense! Come, divine Queen! and indulge my Pretty: bring to her lovely shrine,     at a run, Cupid, your hotblood son, Nymphs, Graces soon undone, young friends aroused, the witty     God of Fun.